Ouroboros
by Gabs
Summary: One thought keeps running through her mind... it was not supposed to end this way.


There is only one explanation for this fic: I was feeling angsty, and decided to spread it around a bit. Regardless, I hope you enjoy, and thanks for reading.

One thought keeps running through her mind, repeating itself over and over. Like an ouroboros, endless and consuming itself.

_It was not supposed to end this way._

Staring up at a brilliantly blue sky, she feels every breath more keenly than she ever has. If she focuses, she's fairly sure she can feel each beat of her heart, and the rush of blood it sends through her body. Strangely, she doesn't seem to feel the way each beat must also be sending blood pouring through the new hole in her abdomen.

_It was not supposed to end this way._

Above the roar in her own head, she can vaguely hear Gibbs frantically yelling her name. Frantic? That is not like Gibbs. Soon enough, he is leaning over her. She can't make out anything he is saying, but she does hear the catch in his voice, and the fear in his eyes, when he leans just a bit closer and whispers, "Ziver?" Anything beyond that is lost, but she can easily imagine he is pleading with her - in his own way - to stay with him. Reminding her, perhaps, that he has not given her permission to go just yet.

_It was not supposed to end this way._

Suddenly, Gibbs morphs into Tony, and she idly wonders when he learned to do that.

_It was not supposed to end this way._

Tony is speaking to her now, but she cannot hear him any more than she could Gibbs. He makes no effort to conceal his terror; it is worn plainly on his face, and she thinks she can see tears forming in his eyes. Perhaps it's just her vision blurring.

_It was not supposed to end this way._

She can hear the urgency in his tone, and she forces herself to ignore the ouroboros for a moment, just long enough to focus on her partner.

"C'mon, Zi, you've gotta hold on. I can't lose you again." She remembers his confession from a tiny Somalian cell, what feels like ages ago, and she hopes he has grown stronger in the time that has passed since then. She would hate to leave with the knowledge that this ouroboros was dragging him along behind her.

_It was not supposed to end this way._

Now, Tony has turned into McGee; now, she knows someone must be playing a trick on her mind. Don't they know it is poor form to confuse a dying woman? He's talking to her in a tone far more composed than Tony had used, but she can no longer summon the energy to focus on him. She thinks he's saying something about catching the shooter, and... oh, now she remembers.

_It was not supposed to end this way._

Some young Petty Officer, not even old enough to drink, completely out of his mind on cocaine. And he had managed to get the drop on her? Disgusting. Disappointing. If she had the energy, she would be snorting derisively at herself.

_It was not supposed to end this way._

The ouroboros is right, she thinks. It was supposed to end in Somalia. Or perhaps Morocco. Any of a dozen other places, probably while taking out a terrorist cell. It was not supposed to be a jumpy junkie on a street corner, who was not even a suspect in their case. At least if it had been a mission, she would have been able to say her goodbyes first - just in case. She could have given Abby a hug, listened to one more story from Ducky. She could have thanked Vance for allowing her to come back, and told McGee how proud she is of the Agent - and man - he has become. She could have thanked Tony for being the best partner she has ever had, for always having her back - and yet still left so much more unsaid. She could have told Gibbs how grateful she is to have had him to step in as her father when her own no longer wanted the job.

_It was not supposed to end this way._

Of the three men hovering over her, she thinks Gibbs is the only one who understands and accepts what is about to happen; he is no longer trying to argue her back. He simply holds her hand and lets his eyes continue telling her how much he loves her. She hopes he can read the same in hers. Tony is crying shamelessly now, but in true DiNozzo fashion, he has not stopped trying to talk her into staying. She thinks maybe he never will. McGee has not given in to the tears yet, but she thinks he is not far behind as he yells into his phone. Trying to hurry the paramedics, she supposes. What is it that Gibbs often says? Light a tire under their ass? What does that mean, anyway?

_It was not supposed to end this way._

She wonders what it will be like. Will she see Tali? Ari? Perhaps she will even be able to meet Kate. The thought almost makes her smile. She has always wished she could have met the woman.

_It was not supposed to end this way._

The sound of sirens cuts into that line of thought, and she sees relief on the faces of Tony and McGee. Gibbs doesn't bat an eye. Yes, she thinks. He already knows. She thinks he has already decided to shoulder the load of everyone else's pain - though how much of that is choice versus simply falling to him as the leader, she is not sure. She thinks he will try to stay collected in front of the team, keep them all from falling into despair and coming apart at the seams. She wonders who will do the same for him.

_It was not supposed to end this way._

Finally, the paramedics come rushing in. Tony and McGee have been pushed aside - very reluctantly, she notes. Gibbs does not relinquish his hold as they try to get through him. Instead, he leans in closer. She waits; she would hold her breath, but it would make no difference. Gibbs is right by her ear now. "It's ok, Ziver. I know it hurts. We won't be selfish anymore. You rest now, I'll look after them for us both." He kisses her cheek, one last time.

She smiles and lets go.


End file.
